Teaching boys about love is crucial. There are too many outside influences that mislead them into thinking that love is for wimps or it makes you "soft." There's nothing worse for an adolescent young boy than being perceived as weak. Many boys grow up thinking love is sexual or all about pleasure. Love is meant to be pleasurable, but it is not the sole purpose of its existence. When I was young, I thought a girl loved you if she'd kiss you. That would then evolve into the belief that if a girl was with you long enough, she'd prove her love for you by how far she'd be willing to go with you sexually. As long as you had strong feelings for each other and agreed on what the "limit" was, it was ok because it was all in love. I'm not proud to admit this, but it was the path I chose to take. Many of my peers felt the same and even took it further than I did. Little did I know that what I was actually feeling was called "lust" and love was far from what I was experiencing.
As a protective parent, I don't want other people to jade the perspective my children have on what love is all about. I know my words, as a parent, may not always resignate well with them, but it's my job to share truth with them so they understand and recognize the difference between love and lust. At the core, I want them to understand that love is beyond a feeling. More specifically, love doesn't always equate to happinness. I feel this is where many of us (myself included) have missed the mark. Misguided views of love lead to some pretty grave consequences. If we don't take the time to define what love is and follow what we value in it's meaning, we stand to face hardships and pains that were never intended for us to endure. By defintion, we are told that love is a "strong emotion of affection, a sense of personal attachment, or attraction based on sexual desires." Sadly, that's all love is to many people. My view of love (along with a ton of other things) comes from my faith. I've attended many weddings that have incorporated 1 Corinthians 13. When you have time, I reccomned reading the entire chapter as it gives fuller meaning to most commonly section of the chapter:
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
The greatest distinction between the two definitions is the Me vs. You tone. The first definition looks like this: ME - you. The second: me - YOU. We have been trained, especially men, to think of love in terms of what we want and receive. If I buy her flowers, that means she'll let me golf Saturday. If he loves me, he'll buy me that ring - the one I really want. Love becomes nothing more than an instantaneous, emotional high. Like an addict, we go through withdraw when we haven't "felt" loved in a while. We then go searching for it in places we know we shouldn't. We find it in things we know will hurt us eventually. All for the sake of what we're led to believe is love, when it's nothing more than a cheap, empty imitation.
As a parent, love isn't always about making our children happy. If we gave our children everything they wanted all the time, is that really an example of how much we love them? What are we really doing? I'd go as far to say that by giving children everything they want, it actually shows them you don't care enough about them. We skim over issues just to maintain a false sense of order. We don't want to deal with the crying, nagging, or discomfort from the situation so it is easier to give in than to push for what we know is right. Show me a four year old who knows what's best for their future. What fifteen year old has the wherewithal to provide for a family of five? The examples are slim to none. If left to themselves, kids would eat pizza and candy for breakfast, watch Spongebob and music videos 24/7, never take baths, and go to bed at 3am. Sounds like the good life, right? Allowing kids to make misguided decisions on their own will leave parents in a world of hurt. Parents that give their children whatever they want create self-centered, spoiled children who then leak their toxic attitudes out on each and every person they encounter. In many cases, these attitudes never leave - selfish, spoiled children turn into selfish, spoiled adults.
Simply put, love is more about what you give or are willing to sacrifice than what you get or are able to obtain. It's not about transactions in a "love bank" - that's keeping score. True love is unconditional. The only way I can ensure my children know what love is and how to love right is by being an example. I'm not perfect, there will be times I fail, but I know where I stand. My kids know how to read me. They can sense how I feel towards them and if I'm impatient, rude, or constantly reminding them of all the things they did wrong, I highly doubt they'll end up in a good place later in life and our relationship will suffer along the way. I have to provide them with an environment that allows mistakes and corrects them with kindness. I have to be supportive, even when I disagree. I have to be available, even when I'm busy. Sacrificial living isn't easy, nor is it fun, but I feel like this is what I was meant to do. God has been preparing me for this my entire life. The time is now for application.
Another way I can help them develop a real sense of love is through my commitment to their mother. When I took those vows, it wasn't just between me and Emily - it was with God as well. That's serious business!! It wasn't a "next step" in life ceremony or simply a celebration of us living life together - I committed my entire life to another person - for better or for worse, sickness or in health, in richess or poor...no matter what! My committment and love for her is the most important relationship in our household (aside from my relationship with God). Our children are wonderful additions to and extentions of our love, but they are not central to what me and Emily share. When there is something in between a marriage - kids, money, addictions, past relationships...anything - that marriage will suffer and often times fail. Emily and I work very hard at our marriage each day in hopes that our children will see - on a daily basis - what love is really about instead of listening to their friends and media outlets.
What's love got to do with it? Everything.
