For wildlife enthusiasts, the term "critically endangered" is a sign that a certain wild species is on the brink of extinction. This level is beyond the more frequently used "endangered" status. There are several factors that serve as reasons why species reach this level. Commercial hunting and poaching are probably the more obvious reasons, but things like loss of habitat (rainforest destruction), pollutants, diseases, even climate change play major roles in the vitality of species around the globe.
What does this have to do with raising boys? Quite honestly, there's nothing more apparent to me in this life on a day-to-day basis than the critically endangered species we call a "real man." Real men are critically endangered for the same reasons as animals, it just looks different. Commercial hunting and poaching may not look the same as it does in the wild, but men fall victim to many schemes and traps that end up ruining not only their lives but those closest to them. When a man is told his worth is in the money he makes, some guys interpret this as getting money by any means necessary, the easiest and quickest way possible. The end result, in many instances, is prison. Did you know that in 2008, 1 out of every 18 men was behind bars? How do they get there you ask? By believing things about manhood that are not true.
Where do we normally see men as opposed to where men should be present. Lets look at jobs: how many male teachers have you had in your entire educational experience? You can probably count them on one hand. You'll find a ton of guys in business and engineering, even medicine (doctors more specifically). Why? Many "guys" find their worth in the jobs they have because it creates a sense of responsibility and even entitlement that we don't experience in any other area of our life. It also makes us feel "in control." We got the promotion because of our hardwork, we received the bonus because we exceeded our quota this quarter. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing like working hard for what we earn but when that becomes our focus, we tend to lose sight of what this life really is all about. Where do guys typically hang out? Many of our initial thoughts are bars, sporting events, or strip clubs. Did church pop up at all? Who hangs out at church, right? It's not that men are necessarily losing their habitat, it's just that they choose to gravitate to the wrong ones which inherently taints the concept of true manhood all together.
Pollutants and disease go hand-in-hand. It's all about consumption and proximity. What we take in through any of our senses and what we allow ourselves to be exposed to impacts who we are as men. The music we choose to listen to, the foods we eat, the alcohol or drugs we choose to ingest, the people we hang out with and influence us - it all matters. There's no way around it. Humans and animals alike depend on fresh air to breath, clean water to drink, and quality food to provide us with nutrients that give us life. If you eat spoiled food or inhale toxic fumes, we become sick and in some cases it becomes fatal. I've yet to find someone who prefers drinking water straight from one of the city's rivers over bottled water. Mentally it's the same thing. If we feed our minds junk, our lives will eventually show it. Even when we try to cover it up, we know what's really going on behind the scenes and it kills us even more holding all that crap in. There's no sugarcoating this one. It all starts so innocent - a little dirty joke, just one beer, a kiss. Addictions don't start overnight. Most guys are either in denial or totally oblivious and neither is a good excuse. It may not be meth or porn - what about money or success? Approval or acceptance? Power or control? It's a heart condition that we aren't equipped to fix on our own. We try our best to make sense of it all, by ourselves, but are left powerless because our knife has no power in this gun fight.
There's a solution to the problem though. Don't think I'd leave this conversation with no hope! For some critically endangered species, there is a time where a species is taken out of the "wild" and placed into captivity. The hope is to eventually return that species to it's natural habitat to thrive once again. Real men have taken the time in "captivity" to discover the right model in which to live. Sadly, most guys are just breathing to death - no goals, no real purpose or so many goals that their purpose is solely wrapped within themselves. In the next few blogs to come, I am going to share with you all what has opened my eyes to the reality of manhood and how we can help redefine it in our own lives so that others may do the same through our example.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Love
Love is one of life's greatest paradoxes. We all want it, but we're selective in who we give it to. We categorize it, yet we give it no boundaries. We celebrate it and it gives us some of life's greatest joys. At the same time, it can be painful and leave us with scars that last a lifetime. We use the word so frequently in an effort to give it great meaning that we do just the opposite. Love is complex, but we act as if it's simple enough for a 2 year old to figure out.
Teaching boys about love is crucial. There are too many outside influences that mislead them into thinking that love is for wimps or it makes you "soft." There's nothing worse for an adolescent young boy than being perceived as weak. Many boys grow up thinking love is sexual or all about pleasure. Love is meant to be pleasurable, but it is not the sole purpose of its existence. When I was young, I thought a girl loved you if she'd kiss you. That would then evolve into the belief that if a girl was with you long enough, she'd prove her love for you by how far she'd be willing to go with you sexually. As long as you had strong feelings for each other and agreed on what the "limit" was, it was ok because it was all in love. I'm not proud to admit this, but it was the path I chose to take. Many of my peers felt the same and even took it further than I did. Little did I know that what I was actually feeling was called "lust" and love was far from what I was experiencing.
As a protective parent, I don't want other people to jade the perspective my children have on what love is all about. I know my words, as a parent, may not always resignate well with them, but it's my job to share truth with them so they understand and recognize the difference between love and lust. At the core, I want them to understand that love is beyond a feeling. More specifically, love doesn't always equate to happinness. I feel this is where many of us (myself included) have missed the mark. Misguided views of love lead to some pretty grave consequences. If we don't take the time to define what love is and follow what we value in it's meaning, we stand to face hardships and pains that were never intended for us to endure. By defintion, we are told that love is a "strong emotion of affection, a sense of personal attachment, or attraction based on sexual desires." Sadly, that's all love is to many people. My view of love (along with a ton of other things) comes from my faith. I've attended many weddings that have incorporated 1 Corinthians 13. When you have time, I reccomned reading the entire chapter as it gives fuller meaning to most commonly section of the chapter:
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
As a parent, love isn't always about making our children happy. If we gave our children everything they wanted all the time, is that really an example of how much we love them? What are we really doing? I'd go as far to say that by giving children everything they want, it actually shows them you don't care enough about them. We skim over issues just to maintain a false sense of order. We don't want to deal with the crying, nagging, or discomfort from the situation so it is easier to give in than to push for what we know is right. Show me a four year old who knows what's best for their future. What fifteen year old has the wherewithal to provide for a family of five? The examples are slim to none. If left to themselves, kids would eat pizza and candy for breakfast, watch Spongebob and music videos 24/7, never take baths, and go to bed at 3am. Sounds like the good life, right? Allowing kids to make misguided decisions on their own will leave parents in a world of hurt. Parents that give their children whatever they want create self-centered, spoiled children who then leak their toxic attitudes out on each and every person they encounter. In many cases, these attitudes never leave - selfish, spoiled children turn into selfish, spoiled adults.
Simply put, love is more about what you give or are willing to sacrifice than what you get or are able to obtain. It's not about transactions in a "love bank" - that's keeping score. True love is unconditional. The only way I can ensure my children know what love is and how to love right is by being an example. I'm not perfect, there will be times I fail, but I know where I stand. My kids know how to read me. They can sense how I feel towards them and if I'm impatient, rude, or constantly reminding them of all the things they did wrong, I highly doubt they'll end up in a good place later in life and our relationship will suffer along the way. I have to provide them with an environment that allows mistakes and corrects them with kindness. I have to be supportive, even when I disagree. I have to be available, even when I'm busy. Sacrificial living isn't easy, nor is it fun, but I feel like this is what I was meant to do. God has been preparing me for this my entire life. The time is now for application.
Another way I can help them develop a real sense of love is through my commitment to their mother. When I took those vows, it wasn't just between me and Emily - it was with God as well. That's serious business!! It wasn't a "next step" in life ceremony or simply a celebration of us living life together - I committed my entire life to another person - for better or for worse, sickness or in health, in richess or poor...no matter what! My committment and love for her is the most important relationship in our household (aside from my relationship with God). Our children are wonderful additions to and extentions of our love, but they are not central to what me and Emily share. When there is something in between a marriage - kids, money, addictions, past relationships...anything - that marriage will suffer and often times fail. Emily and I work very hard at our marriage each day in hopes that our children will see - on a daily basis - what love is really about instead of listening to their friends and media outlets.
What's love got to do with it? Everything.
Teaching boys about love is crucial. There are too many outside influences that mislead them into thinking that love is for wimps or it makes you "soft." There's nothing worse for an adolescent young boy than being perceived as weak. Many boys grow up thinking love is sexual or all about pleasure. Love is meant to be pleasurable, but it is not the sole purpose of its existence. When I was young, I thought a girl loved you if she'd kiss you. That would then evolve into the belief that if a girl was with you long enough, she'd prove her love for you by how far she'd be willing to go with you sexually. As long as you had strong feelings for each other and agreed on what the "limit" was, it was ok because it was all in love. I'm not proud to admit this, but it was the path I chose to take. Many of my peers felt the same and even took it further than I did. Little did I know that what I was actually feeling was called "lust" and love was far from what I was experiencing.
As a protective parent, I don't want other people to jade the perspective my children have on what love is all about. I know my words, as a parent, may not always resignate well with them, but it's my job to share truth with them so they understand and recognize the difference between love and lust. At the core, I want them to understand that love is beyond a feeling. More specifically, love doesn't always equate to happinness. I feel this is where many of us (myself included) have missed the mark. Misguided views of love lead to some pretty grave consequences. If we don't take the time to define what love is and follow what we value in it's meaning, we stand to face hardships and pains that were never intended for us to endure. By defintion, we are told that love is a "strong emotion of affection, a sense of personal attachment, or attraction based on sexual desires." Sadly, that's all love is to many people. My view of love (along with a ton of other things) comes from my faith. I've attended many weddings that have incorporated 1 Corinthians 13. When you have time, I reccomned reading the entire chapter as it gives fuller meaning to most commonly section of the chapter:
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
The greatest distinction between the two definitions is the Me vs. You tone. The first definition looks like this: ME - you. The second: me - YOU. We have been trained, especially men, to think of love in terms of what we want and receive. If I buy her flowers, that means she'll let me golf Saturday. If he loves me, he'll buy me that ring - the one I really want. Love becomes nothing more than an instantaneous, emotional high. Like an addict, we go through withdraw when we haven't "felt" loved in a while. We then go searching for it in places we know we shouldn't. We find it in things we know will hurt us eventually. All for the sake of what we're led to believe is love, when it's nothing more than a cheap, empty imitation.
As a parent, love isn't always about making our children happy. If we gave our children everything they wanted all the time, is that really an example of how much we love them? What are we really doing? I'd go as far to say that by giving children everything they want, it actually shows them you don't care enough about them. We skim over issues just to maintain a false sense of order. We don't want to deal with the crying, nagging, or discomfort from the situation so it is easier to give in than to push for what we know is right. Show me a four year old who knows what's best for their future. What fifteen year old has the wherewithal to provide for a family of five? The examples are slim to none. If left to themselves, kids would eat pizza and candy for breakfast, watch Spongebob and music videos 24/7, never take baths, and go to bed at 3am. Sounds like the good life, right? Allowing kids to make misguided decisions on their own will leave parents in a world of hurt. Parents that give their children whatever they want create self-centered, spoiled children who then leak their toxic attitudes out on each and every person they encounter. In many cases, these attitudes never leave - selfish, spoiled children turn into selfish, spoiled adults.
Simply put, love is more about what you give or are willing to sacrifice than what you get or are able to obtain. It's not about transactions in a "love bank" - that's keeping score. True love is unconditional. The only way I can ensure my children know what love is and how to love right is by being an example. I'm not perfect, there will be times I fail, but I know where I stand. My kids know how to read me. They can sense how I feel towards them and if I'm impatient, rude, or constantly reminding them of all the things they did wrong, I highly doubt they'll end up in a good place later in life and our relationship will suffer along the way. I have to provide them with an environment that allows mistakes and corrects them with kindness. I have to be supportive, even when I disagree. I have to be available, even when I'm busy. Sacrificial living isn't easy, nor is it fun, but I feel like this is what I was meant to do. God has been preparing me for this my entire life. The time is now for application.
Another way I can help them develop a real sense of love is through my commitment to their mother. When I took those vows, it wasn't just between me and Emily - it was with God as well. That's serious business!! It wasn't a "next step" in life ceremony or simply a celebration of us living life together - I committed my entire life to another person - for better or for worse, sickness or in health, in richess or poor...no matter what! My committment and love for her is the most important relationship in our household (aside from my relationship with God). Our children are wonderful additions to and extentions of our love, but they are not central to what me and Emily share. When there is something in between a marriage - kids, money, addictions, past relationships...anything - that marriage will suffer and often times fail. Emily and I work very hard at our marriage each day in hopes that our children will see - on a daily basis - what love is really about instead of listening to their friends and media outlets.
What's love got to do with it? Everything.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Who are these kids?
Preston is 4. If you've ever met him, you'd know that this kid has a world-class personality. He's vibrant, energetic, loves meeting people, and is passionate about shakin' his tail to any music that catches his ear. We could be walking in the mall, driving with the windows down, or even in an elevator - doesn't matter. All of his facial features match his mother, but his body type is similar to mine when I was his age.
Ty is 21 months. I've you've ever met him, he probably didn't smile back at you. If there was a spectrum of personalities, he'd probably be on the opposite side of his brother. He loves to do his thing and despises doing what others ask or request of him. Strong-willed is an understatement. He'll dance, he'll sing, he'll even give you kisses, but only when he's ready. He's pretty stout, plays rough, and can be described as simply being "all-boy" for whatever that's worth.
No day is the same with these two characters. I should rent them out for entertainment purposes. I could write a New York Time's bestseller with the material they provide from their adventures. From singing a duet of the chorus to Bruno Mars' "Lazy Song" on bike rides to fart contests after bath time, these boys are hilarious! What's most fascinating with observing these two is even though they both possess different and almost opposing personalities, they tend to get along very well. Mind you, they will fight from time to time, but if I broke it down to percentages it would be 90% peace 10% war.
My boys remind me daily of the great responsibility that comes with being a parent. I have a direct impact on how my children will turn out in the long run based on the decisions I do or do not make. There is an element of power with parenting as well. This sense of authority is derived from our ability to influence another human being's life - which happens daily as a parent. If we don't feed our children, they will go hungry. If we don't help educate our children, they'll see no value in it later. Children really have no leverage at the bargaining table. They're merely sponges soaking up any and everything that comes their way. They don't provide an income to support the family, they barely know how to clean themselves or anything else for that matter, and they're selfish. Kids need us, which should be enough motivation within itself to strive for the best, but life isn't always easy to navigate. We fail more than we'd like, but it's all part of the process.
There is a fine line that is often crossed with parenting as it relates to authority and that is when we find ourselves answering our children with the phrase "Because I said so." Being an adult does not automatically qualify one as parent material. This mindset lacks substance. If left unchecked, households become prisons. Parents become ruler instead of facilitator. In my opinion, this is what makes or breaks family bonds. Yes, as the parent there are certain ground rules and guidelines that need to be established, but there must be balance. This goes back to the beginning of the post. I have made it a point, early, to get a feel of the unique qualities my children have and to help them develop their strengths. This means, yes - I have to treat my children differently. Does one child receive more attention than the other? No. But the type of attention/guidance looks and feels different. Part of it is dealing with differences in age, but the majority of it is personality management. When Preston was around 20 - 24 months, his demeanor was the same, he just couldn't express his thoughts with words as well as he does now.
Ideally, I want my boys to see me as more than just an authority figure - which is how most children relate to their parents. I don't, nor will I ever, have all the answers, but I can use what I know to help guide them in a direction that'll benefit them in the long run. Sure, it may be met with great opposition, but it is all part of the process (yes, I said that already but it's true). I've seen far too many examples of those parents who live vicariously through their children. It is not my intention to lead my children down this path, but I'm not naive to think natural biases won't kick in sometimes. I just have to fight that urge if/when it occurs. I've often been asked if my kids will play football. Honestly, I'd be a ecstatic to watch my kids do something I loved, but if they have no desire to play, there's no discussion. I've learned, through my father's example, that using force to influence decisions is unnecessary and I'm living proof of it.
I'll never forget the day. It was towards the end of the summer of '94 - I was eleven. I came to the conclusion that my future was in baseball - not football. I played two years previously under the tutelage of my father and did not enjoy my experience. I'd do anything to get out of playing. I'd fake injuries, sickness, even bee stings to find a way to weasel my way to the sidelines. I would rather have been at home, watching Andre Dawson and the Cubs on Fox than sweating in heavy football equipment, running from guys that were much bigger and faster than me. I only played because I thought it made my dad happy. One morning, I made up my mind and gathered the courage to tell my father something I knew would break his heart, but I had to do it. It was either the first day of practice or the day of physicals, I don't remember exactly I just knew it was early enough that my decision would not have too much of an impact on the roster. I nervously uttered the words "Dad, I don't want to play for the Redskins this year." My dad's respone: "Ok." He went on to practice, I stayed at home - dumbfounded. I was preparing myself to get reemed, but Pops did not even seem to care. He knew exactly what he was doing though, it just took me many more years of maturing to figure it out. He would jokingly remind me on our many trips back and forth to Taylor University about that decision. I can still hear my dad's vioce saying, "You were suppose to play baseball." If it weren't for football, I would not have attended Taylor University. If I wouldn't have attended Taylor University, I would not have developed a strong sense of spiritual maturity or connected with many of my lifelong friends. Football changed my life. The story would have been very different if he made me play that year - I can honestly say that.
I'm certain there are many stories out there similar to my own - parents providing their children with the opportunity to discover and develop strengths. I am also certain there are many stories expressing the exact opposite. Parents, do your children a favor - find out who they are. The more time we spend getting to know and understand who our children are, the better shot we have of them letting us move into their house instead of a retirement community when we get older...
Ty is 21 months. I've you've ever met him, he probably didn't smile back at you. If there was a spectrum of personalities, he'd probably be on the opposite side of his brother. He loves to do his thing and despises doing what others ask or request of him. Strong-willed is an understatement. He'll dance, he'll sing, he'll even give you kisses, but only when he's ready. He's pretty stout, plays rough, and can be described as simply being "all-boy" for whatever that's worth.
No day is the same with these two characters. I should rent them out for entertainment purposes. I could write a New York Time's bestseller with the material they provide from their adventures. From singing a duet of the chorus to Bruno Mars' "Lazy Song" on bike rides to fart contests after bath time, these boys are hilarious! What's most fascinating with observing these two is even though they both possess different and almost opposing personalities, they tend to get along very well. Mind you, they will fight from time to time, but if I broke it down to percentages it would be 90% peace 10% war.
My boys remind me daily of the great responsibility that comes with being a parent. I have a direct impact on how my children will turn out in the long run based on the decisions I do or do not make. There is an element of power with parenting as well. This sense of authority is derived from our ability to influence another human being's life - which happens daily as a parent. If we don't feed our children, they will go hungry. If we don't help educate our children, they'll see no value in it later. Children really have no leverage at the bargaining table. They're merely sponges soaking up any and everything that comes their way. They don't provide an income to support the family, they barely know how to clean themselves or anything else for that matter, and they're selfish. Kids need us, which should be enough motivation within itself to strive for the best, but life isn't always easy to navigate. We fail more than we'd like, but it's all part of the process.
There is a fine line that is often crossed with parenting as it relates to authority and that is when we find ourselves answering our children with the phrase "Because I said so." Being an adult does not automatically qualify one as parent material. This mindset lacks substance. If left unchecked, households become prisons. Parents become ruler instead of facilitator. In my opinion, this is what makes or breaks family bonds. Yes, as the parent there are certain ground rules and guidelines that need to be established, but there must be balance. This goes back to the beginning of the post. I have made it a point, early, to get a feel of the unique qualities my children have and to help them develop their strengths. This means, yes - I have to treat my children differently. Does one child receive more attention than the other? No. But the type of attention/guidance looks and feels different. Part of it is dealing with differences in age, but the majority of it is personality management. When Preston was around 20 - 24 months, his demeanor was the same, he just couldn't express his thoughts with words as well as he does now.
Ideally, I want my boys to see me as more than just an authority figure - which is how most children relate to their parents. I don't, nor will I ever, have all the answers, but I can use what I know to help guide them in a direction that'll benefit them in the long run. Sure, it may be met with great opposition, but it is all part of the process (yes, I said that already but it's true). I've seen far too many examples of those parents who live vicariously through their children. It is not my intention to lead my children down this path, but I'm not naive to think natural biases won't kick in sometimes. I just have to fight that urge if/when it occurs. I've often been asked if my kids will play football. Honestly, I'd be a ecstatic to watch my kids do something I loved, but if they have no desire to play, there's no discussion. I've learned, through my father's example, that using force to influence decisions is unnecessary and I'm living proof of it.
I'll never forget the day. It was towards the end of the summer of '94 - I was eleven. I came to the conclusion that my future was in baseball - not football. I played two years previously under the tutelage of my father and did not enjoy my experience. I'd do anything to get out of playing. I'd fake injuries, sickness, even bee stings to find a way to weasel my way to the sidelines. I would rather have been at home, watching Andre Dawson and the Cubs on Fox than sweating in heavy football equipment, running from guys that were much bigger and faster than me. I only played because I thought it made my dad happy. One morning, I made up my mind and gathered the courage to tell my father something I knew would break his heart, but I had to do it. It was either the first day of practice or the day of physicals, I don't remember exactly I just knew it was early enough that my decision would not have too much of an impact on the roster. I nervously uttered the words "Dad, I don't want to play for the Redskins this year." My dad's respone: "Ok." He went on to practice, I stayed at home - dumbfounded. I was preparing myself to get reemed, but Pops did not even seem to care. He knew exactly what he was doing though, it just took me many more years of maturing to figure it out. He would jokingly remind me on our many trips back and forth to Taylor University about that decision. I can still hear my dad's vioce saying, "You were suppose to play baseball." If it weren't for football, I would not have attended Taylor University. If I wouldn't have attended Taylor University, I would not have developed a strong sense of spiritual maturity or connected with many of my lifelong friends. Football changed my life. The story would have been very different if he made me play that year - I can honestly say that.
I'm certain there are many stories out there similar to my own - parents providing their children with the opportunity to discover and develop strengths. I am also certain there are many stories expressing the exact opposite. Parents, do your children a favor - find out who they are. The more time we spend getting to know and understand who our children are, the better shot we have of them letting us move into their house instead of a retirement community when we get older...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Welcome to Fatherhood
I'll never forget hearing the words "It's a boy" for the first time. I don't think I cried. I was probably still in some state of shock after the not-so-pleasant scenery they vaguely prepare you for in birthing classes. Regardless - Monday, April 23 2007 will forever be remembered as the day my first son was born. The thought and concept of being a dad was not quite real until then. It was nice to hear people talk and share insights about the great wonders of being a dad, but clearly I had no idea what to expect because I had no children of my own. The only reference I had was that of my own father. From what I'd observed through the years, he made it look easy. So the idea was to just bank on the working knowledge I had of his fathering techniques.
Here I am. A little over four years out with one more addition. What have I learned thus far? My dad is a great actor because being a father is far from simple. For the mothers who are thinking, "Well, so is being a mom" please here me out. Parenting is hard. No doubt. In many households, mom serves both roles. But why am I placing the emphasis on being a father besides the obvious reason? Let's be real for a moment. We have all been trained to function in a patriarchal society. Men dominate many of the decision making roles in this country, if not the world. As a result, it becomes extremely important for men to understand and become more sensitive to these biases, double standards, and privileges that have a strangle hold on our culture. The impact this has on our daily lives has become so common place that we hardly notice how deeply ingrained it is within us. We've all heard the riddle of the man and a boy who go to the hospital after being in a bad accident. Upon looking at the boy, the doctor says "I can't work on this boy, this is my son." (The first time I heard it, I was perplexed) The obvious answer evades our minds at first glance because somewhere deep inside our being, somewhere almost hidden, we are accustom to associating doctors as male, not female (If you still haven't figured it out, the doctor is his mom). The point is, the role of a father is vitally important because of the dynamics of living in a male-dominant culture.
Being a father means more than just having a son or a daughter. It means more than teaching your boy how to fish or change the oil in a car. It means more than walking your daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Fatherhood is about leadership and the many challenges that come along the way. If you can't lead, you shouldn't have children. Real fathers aren't afraid to challenge what this culture says a man should be. We're more than beer drinking, sports-enthused, adrenaline junkies who think with our genitals and love money. At least I'd like to think so.
In the blogs to come, my hope is to share my insights and experiences with raising boys in a culture that is designed both for and against them. In doing so, my greatest hope is to open dialogue about the many challenges that come with parenting to build a sense of community and encouragement amongst those who choose to follow. My disclaimer is that I plan to share truth - as I experience it - so if that means uncovering my own shortcomings in the process, so be it. I'm not a licensed counselor or psychologist, have done no research nor attained an advanced degree in child development - I just call it how I see it.
Here I am. A little over four years out with one more addition. What have I learned thus far? My dad is a great actor because being a father is far from simple. For the mothers who are thinking, "Well, so is being a mom" please here me out. Parenting is hard. No doubt. In many households, mom serves both roles. But why am I placing the emphasis on being a father besides the obvious reason? Let's be real for a moment. We have all been trained to function in a patriarchal society. Men dominate many of the decision making roles in this country, if not the world. As a result, it becomes extremely important for men to understand and become more sensitive to these biases, double standards, and privileges that have a strangle hold on our culture. The impact this has on our daily lives has become so common place that we hardly notice how deeply ingrained it is within us. We've all heard the riddle of the man and a boy who go to the hospital after being in a bad accident. Upon looking at the boy, the doctor says "I can't work on this boy, this is my son." (The first time I heard it, I was perplexed) The obvious answer evades our minds at first glance because somewhere deep inside our being, somewhere almost hidden, we are accustom to associating doctors as male, not female (If you still haven't figured it out, the doctor is his mom). The point is, the role of a father is vitally important because of the dynamics of living in a male-dominant culture.
Being a father means more than just having a son or a daughter. It means more than teaching your boy how to fish or change the oil in a car. It means more than walking your daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. Fatherhood is about leadership and the many challenges that come along the way. If you can't lead, you shouldn't have children. Real fathers aren't afraid to challenge what this culture says a man should be. We're more than beer drinking, sports-enthused, adrenaline junkies who think with our genitals and love money. At least I'd like to think so.
In the blogs to come, my hope is to share my insights and experiences with raising boys in a culture that is designed both for and against them. In doing so, my greatest hope is to open dialogue about the many challenges that come with parenting to build a sense of community and encouragement amongst those who choose to follow. My disclaimer is that I plan to share truth - as I experience it - so if that means uncovering my own shortcomings in the process, so be it. I'm not a licensed counselor or psychologist, have done no research nor attained an advanced degree in child development - I just call it how I see it.
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