Preston is 4. If you've ever met him, you'd know that this kid has a world-class personality. He's vibrant, energetic, loves meeting people, and is passionate about shakin' his tail to any music that catches his ear. We could be walking in the mall, driving with the windows down, or even in an elevator - doesn't matter. All of his facial features match his mother, but his body type is similar to mine when I was his age.
Ty is 21 months. I've you've ever met him, he probably didn't smile back at you. If there was a spectrum of personalities, he'd probably be on the opposite side of his brother. He loves to do his thing and despises doing what others ask or request of him. Strong-willed is an understatement. He'll dance, he'll sing, he'll even give you kisses, but only when he's ready. He's pretty stout, plays rough, and can be described as simply being "all-boy" for whatever that's worth.
No day is the same with these two characters. I should rent them out for entertainment purposes. I could write a New York Time's bestseller with the material they provide from their adventures. From singing a duet of the chorus to Bruno Mars' "Lazy Song" on bike rides to fart contests after bath time, these boys are hilarious! What's most fascinating with observing these two is even though they both possess different and almost opposing personalities, they tend to get along very well. Mind you, they will fight from time to time, but if I broke it down to percentages it would be 90% peace 10% war.
My boys remind me daily of the great responsibility that comes with being a parent. I have a direct impact on how my children will turn out in the long run based on the decisions I do or do not make. There is an element of power with parenting as well. This sense of authority is derived from our ability to influence another human being's life - which happens daily as a parent. If we don't feed our children, they will go hungry. If we don't help educate our children, they'll see no value in it later. Children really have no leverage at the bargaining table. They're merely sponges soaking up any and everything that comes their way. They don't provide an income to support the family, they barely know how to clean themselves or anything else for that matter, and they're selfish. Kids need us, which should be enough motivation within itself to strive for the best, but life isn't always easy to navigate. We fail more than we'd like, but it's all part of the process.
There is a fine line that is often crossed with parenting as it relates to authority and that is when we find ourselves answering our children with the phrase "Because I said so." Being an adult does not automatically qualify one as parent material. This mindset lacks substance. If left unchecked, households become prisons. Parents become ruler instead of facilitator. In my opinion, this is what makes or breaks family bonds. Yes, as the parent there are certain ground rules and guidelines that need to be established, but there must be balance. This goes back to the beginning of the post. I have made it a point, early, to get a feel of the unique qualities my children have and to help them develop their strengths. This means, yes - I have to treat my children differently. Does one child receive more attention than the other? No. But the type of attention/guidance looks and feels different. Part of it is dealing with differences in age, but the majority of it is personality management. When Preston was around 20 - 24 months, his demeanor was the same, he just couldn't express his thoughts with words as well as he does now.
Ideally, I want my boys to see me as more than just an authority figure - which is how most children relate to their parents. I don't, nor will I ever, have all the answers, but I can use what I know to help guide them in a direction that'll benefit them in the long run. Sure, it may be met with great opposition, but it is all part of the process (yes, I said that already but it's true). I've seen far too many examples of those parents who live vicariously through their children. It is not my intention to lead my children down this path, but I'm not naive to think natural biases won't kick in sometimes. I just have to fight that urge if/when it occurs. I've often been asked if my kids will play football. Honestly, I'd be a ecstatic to watch my kids do something I loved, but if they have no desire to play, there's no discussion. I've learned, through my father's example, that using force to influence decisions is unnecessary and I'm living proof of it.
I'll never forget the day. It was towards the end of the summer of '94 - I was eleven. I came to the conclusion that my future was in baseball - not football. I played two years previously under the tutelage of my father and did not enjoy my experience. I'd do anything to get out of playing. I'd fake injuries, sickness, even bee stings to find a way to weasel my way to the sidelines. I would rather have been at home, watching Andre Dawson and the Cubs on Fox than sweating in heavy football equipment, running from guys that were much bigger and faster than me. I only played because I thought it made my dad happy. One morning, I made up my mind and gathered the courage to tell my father something I knew would break his heart, but I had to do it. It was either the first day of practice or the day of physicals, I don't remember exactly I just knew it was early enough that my decision would not have too much of an impact on the roster. I nervously uttered the words "Dad, I don't want to play for the Redskins this year." My dad's respone: "Ok." He went on to practice, I stayed at home - dumbfounded. I was preparing myself to get reemed, but Pops did not even seem to care. He knew exactly what he was doing though, it just took me many more years of maturing to figure it out. He would jokingly remind me on our many trips back and forth to Taylor University about that decision. I can still hear my dad's vioce saying, "You were suppose to play baseball." If it weren't for football, I would not have attended Taylor University. If I wouldn't have attended Taylor University, I would not have developed a strong sense of spiritual maturity or connected with many of my lifelong friends. Football changed my life. The story would have been very different if he made me play that year - I can honestly say that.
I'm certain there are many stories out there similar to my own - parents providing their children with the opportunity to discover and develop strengths. I am also certain there are many stories expressing the exact opposite. Parents, do your children a favor - find out who they are. The more time we spend getting to know and understand who our children are, the better shot we have of them letting us move into their house instead of a retirement community when we get older...
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